It's about science. Or my version of science, which bears no resemblence to actual science. It's also about the markedly crummy year I've been having and which is mercifully JUST about over.
See you there!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Oprah + Presents = MAGIC
I don't even know how to begin. That's how awesome this year's list is.
I think that we can agree that it's been a tough year - the Recession! H1N1! War! - and the general atmosphere seems to be one of muted tension. No one has any money, we're all kind of scared and sad and everyone seems to need a handknit afghan from their grandma and a bowl of homemade soup and maybe a showing of It's A Wonderful Life.
But in Oprahland, everything is hunky dory. Expensively, self-affirmingly hunky dory.
First up:
What is it?
A big gaudy sparkly Christmas ball.
Who is it for?
"For newlyweds decorating their first tree."
What's wrong with it?
It is TWENTY SIX DOLLARS for ONE SPARKLY CHRISTMAS BALL. And Oprah wants me to "buy several"! The heck I will, Oprah. I don't even like my OWN tree enough to spend over one hundred dollars on FOUR GAUDY BALLS, thank you.
Grade: D.
What is it?
Appealing simplistic vintage racing car
Who is it for?
Not actual children, I suspect, since they're $60. Each. But it's a website for children, and so I guess they are intended for children. "Exclusive" children.
What's wrong with it?
It's a toy car that costs $60. Really? You can't see what's wrong with that? Do you need me to explain it to you?
Grade: C-. It's cute. If it was something that real people could afford, and not just "exclusive", special people, I would grade it higher.
What is it?
Silver Reebox EasyTone Reeinspire Sneakers with magical leg and "tush" firming properties.
Who is it for?
The saggy tushed of your acquaintance.
What's wrong with it?
Suggesting someone's "tush" needs firming on Christmas morning seems risky to me. As does giving someone shoes that cost $125 and that are METALLIC SILVER. There are situations in which I might wear metallic silver running shoes, but most of them involve running from a bear on Mars.
Grade: F. Seriously, do not give someone devices intended for toning their butt on Christmas. Just don't do that.
What is it?
Semi-precious stone and leather bracelets.
Who is it for?
"Artsy" people. "Give one in a friend's favorite colour", chirps the magazine! And at $170, that had better be one HECK of a friend.
What's wrong with it?
Really? People give their friends' $170 bracelets? And I dunno, maybe you think that bracelet is $170 worth of awesome, but I don't.
Grade: D. I dunno, it's a bracelet. An expensive beady bracelet. Whoop-dee-doo.
What is it?
It is the iPod nano. I'm not even going to link to it, because you KNOW what it is.
Who is it for?
zzzzz. It's an iPod nano. You either have one or you want one or you very self-righteously do not WANT one because you're not part of the herd blahblahblah. In short, it's what I would like for Christmas but will not get because WE ARE IN A FREAKING RECESSION.
What's wrong with it?
IT IS EXPENSIVE.
Grade: Are you Santa? Are you reading this list hoping that I'll drop a hint about what I want?
What is it?
It is a black quilted biker jacket that will look flattering on very few women.
Who is it for?
I do not know. Who wears these things? The magazine says that it's "high style", which might explain my mystification.
What's wrong with it?
I play this little game with the Oprah Christmas list - I cover up the description so I can just look, aghast, at the suggested present, and then I dramatically reveal the price to myself. $329! This coat costs $329! Eeek!
Grade: D-.
What is it?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It is a hot pink trapper hat from Kate Spade. HAHAHAHAHA.
Who is it for?
A complete tool. Seriously, look at the picture of that thing.
What's wrong with it?
Where to begin? It's hot pink fake fur? It costs $195? It's foolish looking?
Grade: I do not know. If there is someone who you know and dislike and suspect would wear that stupid thing, and if you have a LOT of money, you could buy them that hat and then snicker whenever they wore it. But that would make you not a very nice person. Perhaps you should buy yourself the bad hat, nasty person. D-.
What is it?
Pretty cookies that look like Christmas lights.
Who is it for?
People who like cookies. Or people who have always wanted to eat a Christmas light.
What's wrong with it?
EIGHT COOKIES = $20. We're in the worst financial crisis since the Depression and some people are buying cutesy cookies that are apparently worth their weight in gold. Cookies - in case you were wondering - are not actually worth a lot of money. They're CUTE, though and maybe you're rich. By all means.
Grade: C-.
What is it?
It's a purple aluminum tube filled with makeup brushes.
Who is it for?
Ladies who like makeup.
What's wrong with it?
Let's see: it's reasonably-enough priced at $20, and it's cute and I can actually imagine people being happy to get it. So not much.
Grade: B+
What is it?
It is a merino wool scarf with sharks printed on it.
Who is it for?
I can't even begin to imagine. Seriously, my imagination has failed me.
What's wrong with it?
A) It's ugly.
B) It costs $225. Does my being appalled by ugly $225 scarves with sharks crudely printed on them indicate that something is desperately wrong with me? I really hope not.
Grade: D-.
What is it?
It is a long sleeved t-shirt with a Christmas tree on it.
Who is it for?
People who get that the shirt is "witty" and "fashionable."
What's wrong with it?
It's exactly the same thing as the sweater with the Christmas tree on it that your grandma likes to wear on Christmas day. I love grandmotherly fashion, so I think it's an awesome t-shirt AND I'm also amused by the idea of fashionable types wearing a grandma t-shirt. Hee.
Grade: B.
What is it?
12 Pairs of 12 Days of Christmas Baby socks.
Who is it for?
A baby.
What's wrong with it?
Well, they're cute. But they're also $45. They're fun, though, and nicely packaged and perhaps you're an affluent grandparent who has gone half-crazed with the joys of first-time grandparenthood.
Grade: B-
What is it?
Tea cups, saucers and spoons. Grandmotherly? Oh, heck no! "Their tutti-frutti interiors prove they're wild at heart."
Who is it for?
I think they're kind of cute.
What's wrong with it?
Nothing. They're $28 and they're pretty. The Oprah text made me snicker, though - even TEA CUPS need to be "extreme" now? Really? We're all so hysterically terrified of being grandmotherly that even our tea cups radiate youthful vitality? Does this seem necessary?
Grade: A.
What is it?
A copy of If You Give A Pig A Party or If You Take A Mouse To The Movies with a matching stuffed animal.
Who is it for?
Children and/or the immature.
What's wrong with it?
Well, I have a strict No Stuffed Animals For Gifts policy that I try and live by. But they ARE pretty cute. And they're only $10 and the proceeds go towards children's charities. So now I am having an inner battle over the whole No Stuffed Animals things vs. Cute and affordable
Grade: I think this is pretty nice - affordable and cute.
What is it?
"Stunning" Promise Me Chocolate Truffle Gems with edible gold on them.
Who is it for?
Did you know that my husband gives me nice chocolates every year for Christmas?
What's wrong with it?
They're pretty! They're $26! If my husband saw them, he would give them to me for Christmas.
Grade: B+. I don't need to eat a box of chocolates, thank you. But oh, how I love them.
What is it?
Reversible bubble parkas. That cost $15.... wait, $10.
Who is it for?
The chilled. Those who like coat options. A friend of mine who hasn't had a winter coat IN NORTHERN ONTARIO in EIGHT years because she has growing kids who always eat up the coat budget.
What's wrong with it?
Well, should we talk about the ethics of buying at Walmart? But on the other hand, for $10, you probably know a lot of people who could use a nice warm coat. Like my poor chilly friend.
Grade: B+.
What is it?
A MHS-PM1 Webbie HD photo and video camera with a rotating head for taking self-portraits.
Who is this for?
Teenage girls. The vain.
What's wrong with it?
It's $170. But I can imagine a lot of teenage girls being very happy to open it. Now teach them to take APPROPRIATE self-portraits, please.
Grade: A slightly worried B.
What is it?
Rubbery incense drawer inserts. What? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE ARE! (there's no online link.)
Who is this for?
The highly fragrant.
What's wrong with it?
IT IS ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE DOLLARS FOR FIVE DRAWER LINERS. I AM NOT KIDDING. ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE DOLLARS. FOR FIVE DRAWER LINERS.
Grade: I'm too dazzled to think in grades.
What is it?
Wool-cashmere gloves with electromagnetic fabric fingertips for typing on your iPod.
Who is this for?
Someone who can't stop texting even though they're outside IN THE COLD.
What's wrong with it?
Oh, where to begin. But they're also only $30. So I don't know. Do you know an addicted texter in danger of losing their fingers to frostbite? Then TA DA.
Grade: C-.
What is it?
Ballet flats that roll up to a very small size.
Who is this for?
People who wear perilously high heels and who could at ANY MINUTE need a pair of sensible back-up shoes.
What's wrong with it?
They're $22 and for the right person, hey, they might be kind of handy, eh? I have FREQUENTLY realized that the distance I had to walk was COMPLETELY incompatible with my adorable footwear.
Grade: B+
What is it?
The Reclaim Phone.
Who is it for?
People who want to still feel "eco-friendly" and yet have new stuff.
What's wrong with it?
Oh, NOTHING. We're on a depressing good streak of gift suggestions here.
Grade: A.
What is it?
Five pairs of reading glasses, one pair of sun readers and a hard case.
Who is it for?
People with strained, elderly eyes. Right, Dad?
What's wrong with it?
People don't like it implied that they need reading glasses, at least the touchy people of MY ACQUAINTANCE. But at $35 it's a good deal and maybe your relatives are less touchy than mine. (They're just touchy because they're old.)
Grade: Depends on your gift give-ees.
What is it?
An anti-tarnish box for silver jewelry.
Who is it for?
I'm sure you can figure it out.
What's wrong with it?
It's a bit dull. But it's $16.
Grade: B.
What is it?
Layered gourmet cookie mixes in jars. You know, the kind women's magazines are always suggesting you make to save you money on Christmas presents?
Who is it for?
"Hostess gifts" the magazine suggests. I think that it would suggest "Here I am! Make me cookies!". Of course, if I'm coming to your house, freshly-baked cookies WOULD be nice.
What's wrong with it?
YOU CAN MAKE THIS YOURSELF. VERY, VERY EASILY. But if you can't and you've always wanted to give a cookie mix in a jar, here is your big chance.
Grade: B.
Oh, thank goodness I'm done the "Good deal!" gift suggestions. That was killing me.
What is it?
It is a key locket and A FREAKING STEAL at $325.
Who is it for?
The wealthy AND sentimental.
What's wrong with it?
As an object, it is pretty enough. Of course, it's $325, and if you want to spend $325 on me, it had better not be on jewelry. But since everyone I know is a normal person and thus adversely affected by THE RECESSION, I have NO ONE in my life who COULD buy me a $325 locket. Poor me.
Grade: D.
What is it?
Fragonard Perfume
Who is it for?
Perfume is a very nice present - if you're a bit cash-y - but I would be VERY careful about surprising someone with a bottle of perfume that they've never smelled before. Perfume is a very individual thing and it's probably best to give this to someone who has asked for it.
What's wrong with it?
Probably nothing. It's probably a very nice perfume.
Grade: That depends. But don't go just randomly buying people perfume.
What is it?
Good grief. It is TEN notecards and envelopes for $45. Are you MADE OUT OF MONEY?
Who is it for?
It is for the very well-off to give each other as an amusing little very rich gift.
What's wrong with it?
If you are the Queen or very wealthy, then nothing. But what BOTHERS me about lists like this is that they subtly imply that only extravagant gifts are good enough - and that's not a message that most people NEED to hear these days, is it?
Grade: C.
What is it?
An extra-glamorous boa.
Who is it for?
Your aunt, the nun.
What's wrong with it?
I think it is VERY ugly. But maybe you think it's playful and fun. At $38, it's not unimaginably pricey, at least.
Grade: B-.
What is it?
A "handcrafted tote covered in leather roses (that) looks like a bouquet on your arm." It is also $585.
Who is it for?
I am buying this for a certain friend if I win one of those big payout lotteries. Otherwise: rich people.
What's wrong with it?
IT COSTS FIVE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS. Sheesh!
Grade: Once I win that lottery, my friend is gonna be a happy girl.
What is it?
Blood-orange - the goriest of the fruits! - scented soap, lip balm and hand cream.
Who is this for?
It's PRETTY enough and I can imagine a lot of women liking it.
What's wrong with it?
"Make It A Threesome" said the chipper heading on it. I am not kidding. And then I threw up. I might be kidding about that, but still. Tasteless, Oprah.
Grade: B+ for the actual thing itself and a scowl for a GIFT GUIDE in a women's magazine that I now will not let my ten year old child read.
What is it?
Monogrammed and hideous playing cards.
Who is this for?
People who want to play cards AND BE HYPNOTIZED BY THEIR HYPNOTIC PATTERNS at the same time.
What's wrong with it?
They're ugly AND they cost $55. Fifty five dollars! For two decks of cards! Good grief!
Grade: F.
What is it?
Tagua nut polished bead necklaces
Who is this for?
Not me. I hate big clunky necklaces.
What's wrong with it?
It's $55. Other than that, make sure that your recipient is a fan of the big clunky necklace.
Grade: Uhh, a B minus?
What is it?
Watches printed with pieces of very famous paintings.
Who is this for?
Someone who wants to look at The Kiss everytime they check the time.
What's wrong with it?
I have strong negative feelings about novelty watches, but they're not universally held, apparently.
Grade: C.
What is it?
Cuff bracelets made from semi-precious stones and BUFFALO BONE. BUFFALO BONE? REALLY?
Who is this for?
People who like wearing animal bones on their wrists. Scary, scary people.
What's wrong with it?
Um. Is there something uniquely fashionable about buffalo bones that I don't know about? What makes a buffalo's bones more worth $49 than, let's say, Elsie The Milk Cow's bones?
Grade: A rather-grossed out D.
What is it?
A lightweight and brightly coloured high definition TV.
Who is this for?/What's Wrong With It?
I could be snarky about the kind of people who get and give tvs for presents, but in all honestly, when our tv died, my mother-in-law gave us a new one for Christmas. And that? WAS AWESOME. Maybe this year we'll get this one!
Grade: Gimme!
What is it?
A hamper of "the world's best foods."
Who is it for?
I think I see some soft cheeses in there, so not anyone pregnant.
What's wrong with it?
Oh, I like food. Hampers of classy foodstuffs? That's awesome.
Grade: A.
What is it?
Clinique's High Shade To Go Collection
Who is it for?
Makeup wearing lady types.
What's wrong with it?
I've written this before and I'll doubtlessly live to write it again - the problem with big sets of lip gloss or lipsticks or eye shadows or WHATEVER is that there are four useable colours and then a bunch of crap in stupid colours that no one will ever, ever wear. The colours in this set look fairly okay, but it's still risky.
Grade: B-
What is it?
"Sorbet hued" satin pajamas. (edited to add: Whoops! they're not satin, they're sateen.)
Who is it for?
Not ME. I hate satin pajamas - it combines the best of being chilled and being slippery enough to fall out of bed ALL NIGHT! But maybe you live someplace warm and sleep on a lower bed than I do. You may have them. They're pretty, at least.
What's wrong with it?
This may actually be more of a "What's wrong with ME?" sort of thing. Why am I so easily chilled? Why do I fall out of bed so much? Why is this freaking list so long?
Grade: A nice present for someone who is not me and who probably lives someplace warm. An A for them.
What is it?
Candy Basket Gel Squares
Who is it for?
People who like candy.
What's wrong with it?
A nice candy, affordable - $6 for 15! - so not much. What, you thought I hated EVERYTHING?
Grade: A.
What is it?
Oh my gosh. A pretty enough necklace made of cheery coloured baubles and A GIANT PURPLE RIBBON.
Who is it for?/What's wrong with it?
If the necklace DIDN'T have the big purple ribbon, I can imagine a LOT of women liking it. As it is, though, I would only give it to the extremely whimsical.
Grade: C.
What is it?
Little dressy clutches.
Who is it for?
Women who need a dressy clutch.
What's wrong with it?
According to the magazine, these are a BARGAIN. They look expensive, but they only cost $113!
IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH: ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN DOLLARS IS STILL A LOT OF MONEY.
Grade: D for duh.
What is it?
Ornate resin cuffs crowned with huge gaudy crystal thingys.
Who is it for?
People who like giant jewelry.
What's wrong with it?
Unless someone specifically asks for this, I would be cautious of giving it - it's $96 and that's rather a lot of money to spend on "distinctive" jewelry.
Grade: B.
What is it?
Chanel No. 5 Bath Oil
Who Is It For?
I really wish I hadn't started this catergory. Who do you THINK wants perfumed bath oil?
What's wrong with it?
Well, it's $75. And we're in the middle of a recession. Now, maybe this is what you want for Christmas more than anything in the whole world, but most people I know would be happier with a bottle of perfume than a bottle of bath oil - more bang for your buck. And while it's still a very nice thing, I must point out that a bottle of Mr. Bubble is quite nice, too, and doesn't cost nearly a hundred dollars.
Grade: C.
I think that we can agree that it's been a tough year - the Recession! H1N1! War! - and the general atmosphere seems to be one of muted tension. No one has any money, we're all kind of scared and sad and everyone seems to need a handknit afghan from their grandma and a bowl of homemade soup and maybe a showing of It's A Wonderful Life.
But in Oprahland, everything is hunky dory. Expensively, self-affirmingly hunky dory.
First up:
What is it?A big gaudy sparkly Christmas ball.
Who is it for?
"For newlyweds decorating their first tree."
What's wrong with it?
It is TWENTY SIX DOLLARS for ONE SPARKLY CHRISTMAS BALL. And Oprah wants me to "buy several"! The heck I will, Oprah. I don't even like my OWN tree enough to spend over one hundred dollars on FOUR GAUDY BALLS, thank you.
Grade: D.
What is it?
Appealing simplistic vintage racing car
Who is it for?
Not actual children, I suspect, since they're $60. Each. But it's a website for children, and so I guess they are intended for children. "Exclusive" children.
What's wrong with it?
It's a toy car that costs $60. Really? You can't see what's wrong with that? Do you need me to explain it to you?
Grade: C-. It's cute. If it was something that real people could afford, and not just "exclusive", special people, I would grade it higher.
What is it?
Silver Reebox EasyTone Reeinspire Sneakers with magical leg and "tush" firming properties.
Who is it for?
The saggy tushed of your acquaintance.
What's wrong with it?
Suggesting someone's "tush" needs firming on Christmas morning seems risky to me. As does giving someone shoes that cost $125 and that are METALLIC SILVER. There are situations in which I might wear metallic silver running shoes, but most of them involve running from a bear on Mars.
Grade: F. Seriously, do not give someone devices intended for toning their butt on Christmas. Just don't do that.
What is it?
Semi-precious stone and leather bracelets.
Who is it for?
"Artsy" people. "Give one in a friend's favorite colour", chirps the magazine! And at $170, that had better be one HECK of a friend.
What's wrong with it?
Really? People give their friends' $170 bracelets? And I dunno, maybe you think that bracelet is $170 worth of awesome, but I don't.
Grade: D. I dunno, it's a bracelet. An expensive beady bracelet. Whoop-dee-doo.
What is it?
It is the iPod nano. I'm not even going to link to it, because you KNOW what it is.
Who is it for?
zzzzz. It's an iPod nano. You either have one or you want one or you very self-righteously do not WANT one because you're not part of the herd blahblahblah. In short, it's what I would like for Christmas but will not get because WE ARE IN A FREAKING RECESSION.
What's wrong with it?
IT IS EXPENSIVE.
Grade: Are you Santa? Are you reading this list hoping that I'll drop a hint about what I want?
What is it?
It is a black quilted biker jacket that will look flattering on very few women.
Who is it for?
I do not know. Who wears these things? The magazine says that it's "high style", which might explain my mystification.
What's wrong with it?
I play this little game with the Oprah Christmas list - I cover up the description so I can just look, aghast, at the suggested present, and then I dramatically reveal the price to myself. $329! This coat costs $329! Eeek!
Grade: D-.
What is it?HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It is a hot pink trapper hat from Kate Spade. HAHAHAHAHA.
Who is it for?
A complete tool. Seriously, look at the picture of that thing.
What's wrong with it?
Where to begin? It's hot pink fake fur? It costs $195? It's foolish looking?
Grade: I do not know. If there is someone who you know and dislike and suspect would wear that stupid thing, and if you have a LOT of money, you could buy them that hat and then snicker whenever they wore it. But that would make you not a very nice person. Perhaps you should buy yourself the bad hat, nasty person. D-.
What is it?
Pretty cookies that look like Christmas lights.
Who is it for?
People who like cookies. Or people who have always wanted to eat a Christmas light.
What's wrong with it?
EIGHT COOKIES = $20. We're in the worst financial crisis since the Depression and some people are buying cutesy cookies that are apparently worth their weight in gold. Cookies - in case you were wondering - are not actually worth a lot of money. They're CUTE, though and maybe you're rich. By all means.
Grade: C-.
What is it?
It's a purple aluminum tube filled with makeup brushes.
Who is it for?
Ladies who like makeup.
What's wrong with it?
Let's see: it's reasonably-enough priced at $20, and it's cute and I can actually imagine people being happy to get it. So not much.
Grade: B+
What is it?
It is a merino wool scarf with sharks printed on it.
Who is it for?
I can't even begin to imagine. Seriously, my imagination has failed me.
What's wrong with it?
A) It's ugly.
B) It costs $225. Does my being appalled by ugly $225 scarves with sharks crudely printed on them indicate that something is desperately wrong with me? I really hope not.
Grade: D-.
What is it?
It is a long sleeved t-shirt with a Christmas tree on it.
Who is it for?
People who get that the shirt is "witty" and "fashionable."
What's wrong with it?
It's exactly the same thing as the sweater with the Christmas tree on it that your grandma likes to wear on Christmas day. I love grandmotherly fashion, so I think it's an awesome t-shirt AND I'm also amused by the idea of fashionable types wearing a grandma t-shirt. Hee.
Grade: B.
What is it?
12 Pairs of 12 Days of Christmas Baby socks.
Who is it for?
A baby.
What's wrong with it?
Well, they're cute. But they're also $45. They're fun, though, and nicely packaged and perhaps you're an affluent grandparent who has gone half-crazed with the joys of first-time grandparenthood.
Grade: B-
What is it?
Tea cups, saucers and spoons. Grandmotherly? Oh, heck no! "Their tutti-frutti interiors prove they're wild at heart."
Who is it for?
I think they're kind of cute.
What's wrong with it?
Nothing. They're $28 and they're pretty. The Oprah text made me snicker, though - even TEA CUPS need to be "extreme" now? Really? We're all so hysterically terrified of being grandmotherly that even our tea cups radiate youthful vitality? Does this seem necessary?
Grade: A.
What is it?
A copy of If You Give A Pig A Party or If You Take A Mouse To The Movies with a matching stuffed animal.
Who is it for?
Children and/or the immature.
What's wrong with it?
Well, I have a strict No Stuffed Animals For Gifts policy that I try and live by. But they ARE pretty cute. And they're only $10 and the proceeds go towards children's charities. So now I am having an inner battle over the whole No Stuffed Animals things vs. Cute and affordable
Grade: I think this is pretty nice - affordable and cute.
What is it?
"Stunning" Promise Me Chocolate Truffle Gems with edible gold on them.
Who is it for?
Did you know that my husband gives me nice chocolates every year for Christmas?
What's wrong with it?
They're pretty! They're $26! If my husband saw them, he would give them to me for Christmas.
Grade: B+. I don't need to eat a box of chocolates, thank you. But oh, how I love them.
What is it?
Reversible bubble parkas. That cost $15.... wait, $10.
Who is it for?
The chilled. Those who like coat options. A friend of mine who hasn't had a winter coat IN NORTHERN ONTARIO in EIGHT years because she has growing kids who always eat up the coat budget.
What's wrong with it?
Well, should we talk about the ethics of buying at Walmart? But on the other hand, for $10, you probably know a lot of people who could use a nice warm coat. Like my poor chilly friend.
Grade: B+.
What is it?
A MHS-PM1 Webbie HD photo and video camera with a rotating head for taking self-portraits.
Who is this for?
Teenage girls. The vain.
What's wrong with it?
It's $170. But I can imagine a lot of teenage girls being very happy to open it. Now teach them to take APPROPRIATE self-portraits, please.
Grade: A slightly worried B.
What is it?
Rubbery incense drawer inserts. What? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE ARE! (there's no online link.)
Who is this for?
The highly fragrant.
What's wrong with it?
IT IS ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE DOLLARS FOR FIVE DRAWER LINERS. I AM NOT KIDDING. ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE DOLLARS. FOR FIVE DRAWER LINERS.
Grade: I'm too dazzled to think in grades.
What is it?
Wool-cashmere gloves with electromagnetic fabric fingertips for typing on your iPod.
Who is this for?
Someone who can't stop texting even though they're outside IN THE COLD.
What's wrong with it?
Oh, where to begin. But they're also only $30. So I don't know. Do you know an addicted texter in danger of losing their fingers to frostbite? Then TA DA.
Grade: C-.
What is it?
Ballet flats that roll up to a very small size.
Who is this for?
People who wear perilously high heels and who could at ANY MINUTE need a pair of sensible back-up shoes.
What's wrong with it?
They're $22 and for the right person, hey, they might be kind of handy, eh? I have FREQUENTLY realized that the distance I had to walk was COMPLETELY incompatible with my adorable footwear.
Grade: B+
What is it?
The Reclaim Phone.
Who is it for?
People who want to still feel "eco-friendly" and yet have new stuff.
What's wrong with it?
Oh, NOTHING. We're on a depressing good streak of gift suggestions here.
Grade: A.
What is it?
Five pairs of reading glasses, one pair of sun readers and a hard case.
Who is it for?
People with strained, elderly eyes. Right, Dad?
What's wrong with it?
People don't like it implied that they need reading glasses, at least the touchy people of MY ACQUAINTANCE. But at $35 it's a good deal and maybe your relatives are less touchy than mine. (They're just touchy because they're old.)
Grade: Depends on your gift give-ees.
What is it?
An anti-tarnish box for silver jewelry.
Who is it for?
I'm sure you can figure it out.
What's wrong with it?
It's a bit dull. But it's $16.
Grade: B.
What is it?
Layered gourmet cookie mixes in jars. You know, the kind women's magazines are always suggesting you make to save you money on Christmas presents?
Who is it for?
"Hostess gifts" the magazine suggests. I think that it would suggest "Here I am! Make me cookies!". Of course, if I'm coming to your house, freshly-baked cookies WOULD be nice.
What's wrong with it?
YOU CAN MAKE THIS YOURSELF. VERY, VERY EASILY. But if you can't and you've always wanted to give a cookie mix in a jar, here is your big chance.
Grade: B.
Oh, thank goodness I'm done the "Good deal!" gift suggestions. That was killing me.
What is it?
It is a key locket and A FREAKING STEAL at $325.
Who is it for?
The wealthy AND sentimental.
What's wrong with it?
As an object, it is pretty enough. Of course, it's $325, and if you want to spend $325 on me, it had better not be on jewelry. But since everyone I know is a normal person and thus adversely affected by THE RECESSION, I have NO ONE in my life who COULD buy me a $325 locket. Poor me.
Grade: D.
What is it?
Fragonard Perfume
Who is it for?
Perfume is a very nice present - if you're a bit cash-y - but I would be VERY careful about surprising someone with a bottle of perfume that they've never smelled before. Perfume is a very individual thing and it's probably best to give this to someone who has asked for it.
What's wrong with it?
Probably nothing. It's probably a very nice perfume.
Grade: That depends. But don't go just randomly buying people perfume.
What is it?Good grief. It is TEN notecards and envelopes for $45. Are you MADE OUT OF MONEY?
Who is it for?
It is for the very well-off to give each other as an amusing little very rich gift.
What's wrong with it?
If you are the Queen or very wealthy, then nothing. But what BOTHERS me about lists like this is that they subtly imply that only extravagant gifts are good enough - and that's not a message that most people NEED to hear these days, is it?
Grade: C.
What is it?
An extra-glamorous boa.
Who is it for?
Your aunt, the nun.
What's wrong with it?
I think it is VERY ugly. But maybe you think it's playful and fun. At $38, it's not unimaginably pricey, at least.
Grade: B-.
What is it?
A "handcrafted tote covered in leather roses (that) looks like a bouquet on your arm." It is also $585.
Who is it for?
I am buying this for a certain friend if I win one of those big payout lotteries. Otherwise: rich people.
What's wrong with it?
IT COSTS FIVE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS. Sheesh!
Grade: Once I win that lottery, my friend is gonna be a happy girl.
What is it?
Blood-orange - the goriest of the fruits! - scented soap, lip balm and hand cream.
Who is this for?
It's PRETTY enough and I can imagine a lot of women liking it.
What's wrong with it?
"Make It A Threesome" said the chipper heading on it. I am not kidding. And then I threw up. I might be kidding about that, but still. Tasteless, Oprah.
Grade: B+ for the actual thing itself and a scowl for a GIFT GUIDE in a women's magazine that I now will not let my ten year old child read.
What is it?
Monogrammed and hideous playing cards.
Who is this for?
People who want to play cards AND BE HYPNOTIZED BY THEIR HYPNOTIC PATTERNS at the same time.
What's wrong with it?
They're ugly AND they cost $55. Fifty five dollars! For two decks of cards! Good grief!
Grade: F.
What is it?
Tagua nut polished bead necklaces
Who is this for?
Not me. I hate big clunky necklaces.
What's wrong with it?
It's $55. Other than that, make sure that your recipient is a fan of the big clunky necklace.
Grade: Uhh, a B minus?
What is it?
Watches printed with pieces of very famous paintings.
Who is this for?
Someone who wants to look at The Kiss everytime they check the time.
What's wrong with it?
I have strong negative feelings about novelty watches, but they're not universally held, apparently.
Grade: C.
What is it?
Cuff bracelets made from semi-precious stones and BUFFALO BONE. BUFFALO BONE? REALLY?
Who is this for?
People who like wearing animal bones on their wrists. Scary, scary people.
What's wrong with it?
Um. Is there something uniquely fashionable about buffalo bones that I don't know about? What makes a buffalo's bones more worth $49 than, let's say, Elsie The Milk Cow's bones?
Grade: A rather-grossed out D.
What is it?
A lightweight and brightly coloured high definition TV.
Who is this for?/What's Wrong With It?
I could be snarky about the kind of people who get and give tvs for presents, but in all honestly, when our tv died, my mother-in-law gave us a new one for Christmas. And that? WAS AWESOME. Maybe this year we'll get this one!
Grade: Gimme!
What is it?
A hamper of "the world's best foods."
Who is it for?
I think I see some soft cheeses in there, so not anyone pregnant.
What's wrong with it?
Oh, I like food. Hampers of classy foodstuffs? That's awesome.
Grade: A.
What is it?
Clinique's High Shade To Go Collection
Who is it for?
Makeup wearing lady types.
What's wrong with it?
I've written this before and I'll doubtlessly live to write it again - the problem with big sets of lip gloss or lipsticks or eye shadows or WHATEVER is that there are four useable colours and then a bunch of crap in stupid colours that no one will ever, ever wear. The colours in this set look fairly okay, but it's still risky.
Grade: B-
What is it?
"Sorbet hued" satin pajamas. (edited to add: Whoops! they're not satin, they're sateen.)
Who is it for?
Not ME. I hate satin pajamas - it combines the best of being chilled and being slippery enough to fall out of bed ALL NIGHT! But maybe you live someplace warm and sleep on a lower bed than I do. You may have them. They're pretty, at least.
What's wrong with it?
This may actually be more of a "What's wrong with ME?" sort of thing. Why am I so easily chilled? Why do I fall out of bed so much? Why is this freaking list so long?
Grade: A nice present for someone who is not me and who probably lives someplace warm. An A for them.
What is it?
Candy Basket Gel Squares
Who is it for?
People who like candy.
What's wrong with it?
A nice candy, affordable - $6 for 15! - so not much. What, you thought I hated EVERYTHING?
Grade: A.
What is it?
Oh my gosh. A pretty enough necklace made of cheery coloured baubles and A GIANT PURPLE RIBBON.
Who is it for?/What's wrong with it?
If the necklace DIDN'T have the big purple ribbon, I can imagine a LOT of women liking it. As it is, though, I would only give it to the extremely whimsical.
Grade: C.
What is it?
Little dressy clutches.
Who is it for?
Women who need a dressy clutch.
What's wrong with it?
According to the magazine, these are a BARGAIN. They look expensive, but they only cost $113!
IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH: ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN DOLLARS IS STILL A LOT OF MONEY.
Grade: D for duh.
What is it?
Ornate resin cuffs crowned with huge gaudy crystal thingys.
Who is it for?
People who like giant jewelry.
What's wrong with it?
Unless someone specifically asks for this, I would be cautious of giving it - it's $96 and that's rather a lot of money to spend on "distinctive" jewelry.
Grade: B.
What is it?
Chanel No. 5 Bath Oil
Who Is It For?
I really wish I hadn't started this catergory. Who do you THINK wants perfumed bath oil?
What's wrong with it?
Well, it's $75. And we're in the middle of a recession. Now, maybe this is what you want for Christmas more than anything in the whole world, but most people I know would be happier with a bottle of perfume than a bottle of bath oil - more bang for your buck. And while it's still a very nice thing, I must point out that a bottle of Mr. Bubble is quite nice, too, and doesn't cost nearly a hundred dollars.
Grade: C.
What is it?
It is a plush giraffe coat for a baby.
What's wrong with it?
(see how I just skipped over the whole Who Is This For? thing. Yeah. Tired of that now.) It's a $45 coat that looks like a giraffe. It's cute enough, I guess, and there's nothing really wrong with it.
Grade: B, I guess.
What Is It?
It is nut pie or cake or something like that.
Who is it for?
Nut pie lovers.
What's wrong with it?
Nut allergies are SO common these days that I would be seriously leery of sending someone a nut-based baked good. And also? Nuts are yucky. Bleh. There's nothing that ruins a nice piece of baking like a bunch of gritty nuts thrown in there like gravel.
Grade: C
What is it?
It is an "Art Deco minaudiere". What the heck is THAT?
Who is it for?
I can at least make out that it's for girly make-up loving women.
What's wrong with it?
Well, it has a pretensious name. I mean, REALLY. It's a compact that holds body powder and eye shadow. Does slapping a French name on it really make it worth $98?
Grade: How do I say D in French?
And that's it!
This year's list was a doozy. My FAVORITE thing was the buffalo bone bracelet - I feel sort of gaggy just thinking about it! Awesome!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Sharpening My Sarcasm Skills
Still no Oprah list! But CA Quincy sent me this AWESOME list of 9 Extravagant Holiday Gifts, and it needs to be examined.
This is from Neiman Marcus and is, admittedly, a fantasy list. I don't know WHO has these gaudy, over-the-top fantasies - Bernie Madoff? Donald Trump? Who WANTS these things?
Check this out - number one is A CUPCAKE CAR. It comes, the piece says cheerily, with a matching hat! And for $25,000, it had damn well better. It's a cupcake! And a car (actually, a go-kart)! And it costs TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
I have nothing to add to this.
Number two. ICON A5 Sports Aircraft and Pilot Training For Two. $250,000.
One of my friends always does REALLY well on those gruesome celebrity death pools. His secret, he confided in me once, was to always add at least one famous person who pilots light aircraft. It's a sure thing!
Your word of the day is "hubris." As in "The hubris of the wealthy who think that their ability to make lots of money will enable them to also fly airplanes translates into lots of plane crashes to clean up."
Number three. Algonquin Round Table Experience.
Are they going to conjure up the ghosts of Dorothy Parker and Robert Benchley to say witty afterlife things to you? No, apparently for $200,000, you can hang out at the Algonquin Hotel with Nora Ephron and John Lithgow while they say witty things. And for $200,000, I would expect some EXTREME WITTICISMS. The proceeds go to First Book, which gives books to poor kids, and so I dunno. I guess I have less of a problem with this than with the moronic cupcake car. I mean, I guess if some rich person wants to pay $200,000 to hang out with some modern-day smart-asses, why not? It's probably better for society that they spend their money instead of swimming around in it like Scrooge McDuck. And yet.
Number four. Sustainable Design Art Chandelier.
It's a five foot long chandelier made of recycled plastic soda bottles and it's a pretty, pretty thing. And it costs $12,000.
...
There's a serious difference between the VALUE of what is being offered here and how much it costs. I mean, come ON. It's a pop bottle chandelier.
Number five. The World's Fastest Electric Motorcyle. $73,000.
It has zero carbon emissions! It also "reaches 150 m.p.h. with 100 foot-pounds of instantaneous torque"! Well now. That's thoughtful of Richie Rich to kill himself in such a speedy and environmentally green way.
Number six. Hall Artisan Wine and Art Experience.
I am finding it rather strange that the suggested extravagant "experiences" strike me as so much less offensive than the elaborately over-priced and ridiculous gift suggestions. For $20,000, you and a friend - and for $20,000, it had better be one heck of a friend - can learn artisan winemaking, create your own personal bottle of "vino" - I'm quoting - and then have a gourmet dinner and spend the night at a nearby resort.
"Only true lovers of the finer things need apply," says the article. But never fear, people who truly love the finer things but who are on a tight budget! For a mere $3500, you can snap up a bottle of wine that's not available to the general public, a bottle of wine that mere proletariats can only dream of.
And yet I find this less offensive than the stupid cupcake car. I mean, it's still offensive. Just not as much.
Number seven. The 2010 Jaguar XJL Supercharged Neiman Marcus Edition.
It's a limited edition car that will set you back slightly over $100,000.
My extreme dislike of extravagance doesn't stem from some communist ideal that no one should make more than $20,000 a year and that we all should drive clunky communist cars (probably LADAs. Remember LADAs? I was in a bad car accident in one. That was scary.) when we're not being forced to take public transit. No, it has to do with the utter pointless wasteful stupidity of so much of what is offered up to the wealthy, the faux luxury and the decadent idiocy - but an expensive car offers both luxury and social status and an enjoyable ride AND employs many people, so be my guest, wealthy people: buy expensive cars. I do not care.
I do not have a problem with people making lots of money. I wish I could, frankly. And I do not have a problem with extravagance, as long as it's not STUPID. A $25,000 cupcake car? That's dumb. A $12,000 chandlier made from pop bottles? How inspirational that a person with such questionable judgement could also accumulate wealth! A beautifully-made actual car? Not stupid. I mean, don't buy one if you don't want one, but it's better if the wealthy SPEND their cash, right? Right.
Number eight. Maker's Mark Master Distiller Experience.
What a funny time we're living in - would previous generations have spent $7500 to be taken around the Maker's Mark distillery? My favorite part of this is that two bottles will be etched with your wealthy likeness and then DIPPED IN GOLD WAX.
I want a gold version of my head! That would be AWESOME!
And then you get to have some whiskey and a gourmet dinner with the head of Maker's Mark.
It's funny how this article is making me put things into a whole new perspective: had you mentioned to me earlier that for $7500, I could tour a whiskey factory, get a gold bottle OF MY HEAD and then have supper with the boss, I would have started shrieking about the French Revolution and firing up the guillotine and now, contrasted with the $73,000 motorcycle and $200,000 to hang out where famous funny people hung out nearly a hundred years ago? Well. It seems practically reasonable NOW.
Number nine and sadly the end. Insect Lab Specimen Artwork.
An artist collects bugs, adds clockwork parts and then charges $8500 for them. The price makes me blink but as a thing itself? It's kind of neato. Still. Who wants to pay $8500 for a mechanical dead bug? If you do, here's your chance.
That was quite a list. I feel all dazzled and bemused right now, like there is this whole magical world of the very wealthy who drive their cupcake cars - with matching hats! - to secret wine factories where mechanized dead bugs caper for their amusement. I never knew and now I do. It's the magic of Christmas! And insane spending by the insanely wealthy!
This is from Neiman Marcus and is, admittedly, a fantasy list. I don't know WHO has these gaudy, over-the-top fantasies - Bernie Madoff? Donald Trump? Who WANTS these things?
Check this out - number one is A CUPCAKE CAR. It comes, the piece says cheerily, with a matching hat! And for $25,000, it had damn well better. It's a cupcake! And a car (actually, a go-kart)! And it costs TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
I have nothing to add to this.
Number two. ICON A5 Sports Aircraft and Pilot Training For Two. $250,000.
One of my friends always does REALLY well on those gruesome celebrity death pools. His secret, he confided in me once, was to always add at least one famous person who pilots light aircraft. It's a sure thing!
Your word of the day is "hubris." As in "The hubris of the wealthy who think that their ability to make lots of money will enable them to also fly airplanes translates into lots of plane crashes to clean up."
Number three. Algonquin Round Table Experience.
Are they going to conjure up the ghosts of Dorothy Parker and Robert Benchley to say witty afterlife things to you? No, apparently for $200,000, you can hang out at the Algonquin Hotel with Nora Ephron and John Lithgow while they say witty things. And for $200,000, I would expect some EXTREME WITTICISMS. The proceeds go to First Book, which gives books to poor kids, and so I dunno. I guess I have less of a problem with this than with the moronic cupcake car. I mean, I guess if some rich person wants to pay $200,000 to hang out with some modern-day smart-asses, why not? It's probably better for society that they spend their money instead of swimming around in it like Scrooge McDuck. And yet.
Number four. Sustainable Design Art Chandelier.
It's a five foot long chandelier made of recycled plastic soda bottles and it's a pretty, pretty thing. And it costs $12,000.
...
There's a serious difference between the VALUE of what is being offered here and how much it costs. I mean, come ON. It's a pop bottle chandelier.
Number five. The World's Fastest Electric Motorcyle. $73,000.
It has zero carbon emissions! It also "reaches 150 m.p.h. with 100 foot-pounds of instantaneous torque"! Well now. That's thoughtful of Richie Rich to kill himself in such a speedy and environmentally green way.
Number six. Hall Artisan Wine and Art Experience.
I am finding it rather strange that the suggested extravagant "experiences" strike me as so much less offensive than the elaborately over-priced and ridiculous gift suggestions. For $20,000, you and a friend - and for $20,000, it had better be one heck of a friend - can learn artisan winemaking, create your own personal bottle of "vino" - I'm quoting - and then have a gourmet dinner and spend the night at a nearby resort.
"Only true lovers of the finer things need apply," says the article. But never fear, people who truly love the finer things but who are on a tight budget! For a mere $3500, you can snap up a bottle of wine that's not available to the general public, a bottle of wine that mere proletariats can only dream of.
And yet I find this less offensive than the stupid cupcake car. I mean, it's still offensive. Just not as much.
Number seven. The 2010 Jaguar XJL Supercharged Neiman Marcus Edition.
It's a limited edition car that will set you back slightly over $100,000.
My extreme dislike of extravagance doesn't stem from some communist ideal that no one should make more than $20,000 a year and that we all should drive clunky communist cars (probably LADAs. Remember LADAs? I was in a bad car accident in one. That was scary.) when we're not being forced to take public transit. No, it has to do with the utter pointless wasteful stupidity of so much of what is offered up to the wealthy, the faux luxury and the decadent idiocy - but an expensive car offers both luxury and social status and an enjoyable ride AND employs many people, so be my guest, wealthy people: buy expensive cars. I do not care.
I do not have a problem with people making lots of money. I wish I could, frankly. And I do not have a problem with extravagance, as long as it's not STUPID. A $25,000 cupcake car? That's dumb. A $12,000 chandlier made from pop bottles? How inspirational that a person with such questionable judgement could also accumulate wealth! A beautifully-made actual car? Not stupid. I mean, don't buy one if you don't want one, but it's better if the wealthy SPEND their cash, right? Right.
Number eight. Maker's Mark Master Distiller Experience.
What a funny time we're living in - would previous generations have spent $7500 to be taken around the Maker's Mark distillery? My favorite part of this is that two bottles will be etched with your wealthy likeness and then DIPPED IN GOLD WAX.
I want a gold version of my head! That would be AWESOME!
And then you get to have some whiskey and a gourmet dinner with the head of Maker's Mark.
It's funny how this article is making me put things into a whole new perspective: had you mentioned to me earlier that for $7500, I could tour a whiskey factory, get a gold bottle OF MY HEAD and then have supper with the boss, I would have started shrieking about the French Revolution and firing up the guillotine and now, contrasted with the $73,000 motorcycle and $200,000 to hang out where famous funny people hung out nearly a hundred years ago? Well. It seems practically reasonable NOW.
Number nine and sadly the end. Insect Lab Specimen Artwork.
An artist collects bugs, adds clockwork parts and then charges $8500 for them. The price makes me blink but as a thing itself? It's kind of neato. Still. Who wants to pay $8500 for a mechanical dead bug? If you do, here's your chance.
That was quite a list. I feel all dazzled and bemused right now, like there is this whole magical world of the very wealthy who drive their cupcake cars - with matching hats! - to secret wine factories where mechanized dead bugs caper for their amusement. I never knew and now I do. It's the magic of Christmas! And insane spending by the insanely wealthy!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Remembrance Day
I went to the Remembrance Day services in town with my younger two kids and my dad and saw my oldest child arrive with her school choir to sing an off-key song to peace and then we watched dozens of wreaths be placed on the base of the cenotaph while slowly freezing.
There were chairs arranged for the elderly and those who couldn't stand up for long, but very few were taken. Everyone else was able-bodied and young, including the very very old men in uniforms who stood up for over an hour in the cold and watched, red-eyed, as the man who owns the gas station and the man who owns the crematorium and the great-grandchildren of veterans laid wreaths. Then they read off the list of the veterans who have died in the past year and we sang God Save the Queen and prayed for peace and meanwhile two young men who went to my small high school have died in Afghanistan in the past two years.
It was cold out. My kids were antsy. My oldest child was across the lawn with her school choir and occasionally I'd catch glimpses of her, which felt amusingly poignant. I made a point of going over to say goodbye to her (since she'd minded last year when I didn't) and her choir teacher told me that she was leaving her with me, because there was doughnuts inside and my Girl needs fattening. The Boy lost his poppy and The Baby spilled her hot chocolate and we all ate doughnuts (not The Girl, though - she hates doughnuts) and a friend's three dark-haired children sat with us while their parents visited with people and as I stood up to go, a long grey-bearded man asked me, his eyes big, if I really had six children.
I walked right by the framed picture of my now-dead cousin, cocky in his WWII uniform, standing with the group of young men who went over from this town, more young men then this town would ever make again. Groups of old men were standing outside the Legion's doors as we left, talking in their navy blazers, leaning on their canes and their walkers and their palsied old hands. "Goodbye, young fella," one of them called to The Boy, and my cousin smiled from the wall, keeping his secrets forever now - and the remaining old men laughed and the street was littered with poppies and pins, forgotten already.
There were chairs arranged for the elderly and those who couldn't stand up for long, but very few were taken. Everyone else was able-bodied and young, including the very very old men in uniforms who stood up for over an hour in the cold and watched, red-eyed, as the man who owns the gas station and the man who owns the crematorium and the great-grandchildren of veterans laid wreaths. Then they read off the list of the veterans who have died in the past year and we sang God Save the Queen and prayed for peace and meanwhile two young men who went to my small high school have died in Afghanistan in the past two years.
It was cold out. My kids were antsy. My oldest child was across the lawn with her school choir and occasionally I'd catch glimpses of her, which felt amusingly poignant. I made a point of going over to say goodbye to her (since she'd minded last year when I didn't) and her choir teacher told me that she was leaving her with me, because there was doughnuts inside and my Girl needs fattening. The Boy lost his poppy and The Baby spilled her hot chocolate and we all ate doughnuts (not The Girl, though - she hates doughnuts) and a friend's three dark-haired children sat with us while their parents visited with people and as I stood up to go, a long grey-bearded man asked me, his eyes big, if I really had six children.
I walked right by the framed picture of my now-dead cousin, cocky in his WWII uniform, standing with the group of young men who went over from this town, more young men then this town would ever make again. Groups of old men were standing outside the Legion's doors as we left, talking in their navy blazers, leaning on their canes and their walkers and their palsied old hands. "Goodbye, young fella," one of them called to The Boy, and my cousin smiled from the wall, keeping his secrets forever now - and the remaining old men laughed and the street was littered with poppies and pins, forgotten already.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Christmas Magazine List Reviews!
Just because I'm tired of seeing that sad, worried post on the top of my page.
Here's the second gift list to come to my attention - no, NOT Ontario Cattlemen's possible list, sadly, but a sensible list from that sensible publication, Family Circle (the November 29th issue, in fact).
I don't know if you've ever read Family Circle, but it's generally sold at supermarket check-outs and is a pleasant, low-priced magazine aimed at women in their mid-30s to 50s, I would say. It's seen as being a bit low-brow, possibly, but I think that's a bit unfair - it has good recipes and informative articles, and is nice to read when you're waiting in your doctor's office with your four year old this afternoon, possibly.
And here is there gift suggestion list, probably the first of many from them - this article was called "Double Gifting" and featured gifts sold in support of charities. This can be a dubious landmine of icky presents, shoddily made things that one must pretend to like in the name of social justice - but I think they actually did a nice job of finding beautiful little things.
1) Turkish Ceramic Keepsake Bowl
I can't find it on the site, but it's a lovely little thing and costs $6.95. Proceeds support the Hunger Site's work.
Grade: A+. It's pretty and affordable and it's a good cause.
2) A hand-woven olive-and-eucalyptus-Branch wreath with proceeds going towards Meals on Wheels.
Grade: B. Wreaths are one of those things that I feel like I should like more than I do. Still - they sound nice enough and who doesn't like Meals on Wheels?
3) Mo Smells The Holidays - a scratch and sniff book about a dog, with proceeds going towards the Best Friends Animal Society. $17.95.
Grade: B+. It sounds like a nice book and it's a pleasant cause and there are lots and lots of dog lovers in this world who are not me.
4) Starbucks (Red) Travel Mug. It costs $15.95 and they give a dollar to the Global Fund, which helps fight HIV/AIDS, TB and malaria.
Grade: High enough, I guess. It's one of those things that's good for a large number of people on your list - co-workers, mainly - where you want to give them a reasonably impersonal but pleasant gift that also doesn't cost a zillion bucks. There you go. Give them a red travel mug.
5) A wallet made from recycled mountain bike inner tubes, with 20-40% of the $26 price going towards the charity of your choice.
Grade: C. Because it's a bike tube wallet. But there are actually TONS of charities on the page and MANY better gift options, so it's worth poking around.
6) One of those challenging chunky beaded necklaces that I never see people wearing in real life. It's made by the San Jorge Cooperative, which is a fair trade women's group and now I feel guilty for implying that the necklace is kind of ugly.
Grade: It's only $35, so if someone you know likes "challenging" necklaces, it's the perfect match!
7) Lush Cosmetics' Charity Pot Hand and Body Lotion. 100% of the proceeds go towards a variety of Lush-esque charities. It costs $20.95.
Grade: I do not like Lush's products, although this is a personal thing - I find them too highly scented, for one, and for another, I find them overpriced. Maybe you love them. And maybe you love all of the charities they support - and most of them (protecting a threatened local forest! service animals! camps for kids with cancer!) are things that most people would agree with. Others, however, are more contentious, so be careful before you purchase.
8) Marshmallow Fudge Snowman Tube Hot Chocolate - 100% of the proceeds goes towards St. Jude Children's Research Hospital's research in pediatric cancer.
Grade: A+! It's ADORABLE! It's $6 or 2 for $10 and I can think of TONS of people on my list where this would be exactly the right size and sort of gift. It's also sadly out of stock. Dang.
9) iPopperz earbuds. Headphones with 14% of the proceeds benefiting Save The Music. $14.95.
Grade: Mm, B+? They're cute and it's a nice cause. I couldn't find the ones listed, but I did find a set supporting young breast cancer survivors.
10) Acai Bead Bracelet. 100% of the $10 price goes towards preserving the rainforest.
Grade: B+. A good cause and it's a pretty little thing. I can't find it on the website, though. Maybe you can.
There. Wasn't that a nice list? Everything was affordable and nothing was STUPID, which is always good and there were a few things on it that I could actually imagine giving to people. So far, Family Circle magazine is winning.
Here's the second gift list to come to my attention - no, NOT Ontario Cattlemen's possible list, sadly, but a sensible list from that sensible publication, Family Circle (the November 29th issue, in fact).
I don't know if you've ever read Family Circle, but it's generally sold at supermarket check-outs and is a pleasant, low-priced magazine aimed at women in their mid-30s to 50s, I would say. It's seen as being a bit low-brow, possibly, but I think that's a bit unfair - it has good recipes and informative articles, and is nice to read when you're waiting in your doctor's office with your four year old this afternoon, possibly.
And here is there gift suggestion list, probably the first of many from them - this article was called "Double Gifting" and featured gifts sold in support of charities. This can be a dubious landmine of icky presents, shoddily made things that one must pretend to like in the name of social justice - but I think they actually did a nice job of finding beautiful little things.
1) Turkish Ceramic Keepsake Bowl
I can't find it on the site, but it's a lovely little thing and costs $6.95. Proceeds support the Hunger Site's work.
Grade: A+. It's pretty and affordable and it's a good cause.
2) A hand-woven olive-and-eucalyptus-Branch wreath with proceeds going towards Meals on Wheels.
Grade: B. Wreaths are one of those things that I feel like I should like more than I do. Still - they sound nice enough and who doesn't like Meals on Wheels?
3) Mo Smells The Holidays - a scratch and sniff book about a dog, with proceeds going towards the Best Friends Animal Society. $17.95.
Grade: B+. It sounds like a nice book and it's a pleasant cause and there are lots and lots of dog lovers in this world who are not me.
4) Starbucks (Red) Travel Mug. It costs $15.95 and they give a dollar to the Global Fund, which helps fight HIV/AIDS, TB and malaria.
Grade: High enough, I guess. It's one of those things that's good for a large number of people on your list - co-workers, mainly - where you want to give them a reasonably impersonal but pleasant gift that also doesn't cost a zillion bucks. There you go. Give them a red travel mug.
5) A wallet made from recycled mountain bike inner tubes, with 20-40% of the $26 price going towards the charity of your choice.
Grade: C. Because it's a bike tube wallet. But there are actually TONS of charities on the page and MANY better gift options, so it's worth poking around.
6) One of those challenging chunky beaded necklaces that I never see people wearing in real life. It's made by the San Jorge Cooperative, which is a fair trade women's group and now I feel guilty for implying that the necklace is kind of ugly.
Grade: It's only $35, so if someone you know likes "challenging" necklaces, it's the perfect match!
7) Lush Cosmetics' Charity Pot Hand and Body Lotion. 100% of the proceeds go towards a variety of Lush-esque charities. It costs $20.95.
Grade: I do not like Lush's products, although this is a personal thing - I find them too highly scented, for one, and for another, I find them overpriced. Maybe you love them. And maybe you love all of the charities they support - and most of them (protecting a threatened local forest! service animals! camps for kids with cancer!) are things that most people would agree with. Others, however, are more contentious, so be careful before you purchase.
8) Marshmallow Fudge Snowman Tube Hot Chocolate - 100% of the proceeds goes towards St. Jude Children's Research Hospital's research in pediatric cancer.
Grade: A+! It's ADORABLE! It's $6 or 2 for $10 and I can think of TONS of people on my list where this would be exactly the right size and sort of gift. It's also sadly out of stock. Dang.
9) iPopperz earbuds. Headphones with 14% of the proceeds benefiting Save The Music. $14.95.
Grade: Mm, B+? They're cute and it's a nice cause. I couldn't find the ones listed, but I did find a set supporting young breast cancer survivors.
10) Acai Bead Bracelet. 100% of the $10 price goes towards preserving the rainforest.
Grade: B+. A good cause and it's a pretty little thing. I can't find it on the website, though. Maybe you can.
There. Wasn't that a nice list? Everything was affordable and nothing was STUPID, which is always good and there were a few things on it that I could actually imagine giving to people. So far, Family Circle magazine is winning.
Friday, November 6, 2009
To Answer Some Of Your Questions
1) How is The Baby feeling today after her horrible experience on Wednesday?
Completely back to normal. She's running around, cutting up every piece of paper she can find and screaming at Dora. "JUST GO TO THE VOLCANO ALREADY, DORA! STOP TALKING TO THE CAMERA!"
2) What do we do if - God forbid - it happens again?
We lay her down flat and on her side RIGHT AWAY and she should start regaining consciousness and turning a normal colour immediately. We also call 911. I plan on also doing a lot of hysterical sobbing. The situation seems to warrant it.
3) Is this something that happened because of a pre-existing condition?
Apparently, although I'm not totally sure. She has some appointments coming up. I googled around a little bit and then stopped because No Good Comes Of That.
4) What was she saying to the nurse?
I think the nurse was asking her how she was feeling and she was answering.
5) What did I do while all of this was happening?
I was totally losing my head, of course. My mother told me that I was yelling "DO SOMETHING!" which seems pretty reasonable. A nurse actually came over to get me calmed down. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. They made me drink a juice in the ambulance, because I think I looked like I was going to pass out. As one would.
6) Are we sure it wasn't the vaccine?
It wasn't.
It is possible to have an allergic reaction to vaccinations, of COURSE, but this isn't what happened. It was more like the pain from the shot + the pain from the fall + watching her sister freak out triggered a shut-down switch in her body. Apparently this is a pretty common condition - although her reaction was extreme, let me be clear - and it can be triggered by any number of things, as reading the comments to my post will show.
7) How am I doing?
I am all right NOW. I spent most of yesterday crying but today I feel a lot more like myself. The Baby has had enough of being fussed over - "STOP hugging me and crying every time I go by!" she said to me. "Hug (the Boy) and cry for a change! GEEEZ."
And now - I HOPE - we will resume our regular blogging.
Completely back to normal. She's running around, cutting up every piece of paper she can find and screaming at Dora. "JUST GO TO THE VOLCANO ALREADY, DORA! STOP TALKING TO THE CAMERA!"
2) What do we do if - God forbid - it happens again?
We lay her down flat and on her side RIGHT AWAY and she should start regaining consciousness and turning a normal colour immediately. We also call 911. I plan on also doing a lot of hysterical sobbing. The situation seems to warrant it.
3) Is this something that happened because of a pre-existing condition?
Apparently, although I'm not totally sure. She has some appointments coming up. I googled around a little bit and then stopped because No Good Comes Of That.
4) What was she saying to the nurse?
I think the nurse was asking her how she was feeling and she was answering.
5) What did I do while all of this was happening?
I was totally losing my head, of course. My mother told me that I was yelling "DO SOMETHING!" which seems pretty reasonable. A nurse actually came over to get me calmed down. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. They made me drink a juice in the ambulance, because I think I looked like I was going to pass out. As one would.
6) Are we sure it wasn't the vaccine?
It wasn't.
It is possible to have an allergic reaction to vaccinations, of COURSE, but this isn't what happened. It was more like the pain from the shot + the pain from the fall + watching her sister freak out triggered a shut-down switch in her body. Apparently this is a pretty common condition - although her reaction was extreme, let me be clear - and it can be triggered by any number of things, as reading the comments to my post will show.
7) How am I doing?
I am all right NOW. I spent most of yesterday crying but today I feel a lot more like myself. The Baby has had enough of being fussed over - "STOP hugging me and crying every time I go by!" she said to me. "Hug (the Boy) and cry for a change! GEEEZ."
And now - I HOPE - we will resume our regular blogging.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
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